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How Much Guilt is
Enough?
By Stephen L.
Gibson
April
1st,
2007
There I was. I was
doing it again despite the ground I thought I’d gained on the addiction
that has clutched me in its evil grasp for my entire life. It was one of
the darkest moments of my life. I’d faced the reality; I’d been fighting
it for my entire life, but it didn’t have to own me any longer.
That’s right, it was a compulsion from
even my earliest childhood memories. I can remember wanting to do it
from the time I was a young kid. I can recall having that urgent
feeling, and indulging it almost constantly—even when people were
watching, and in inappropriate locals. With the rare exceptions of brief
reprieves brought about through times of deep reflection, or even
because of anger at myself for doing it so much, it was something I just
couldn’t control. Church attendance helped, but even there I found I
would quickly fall prey to my urges, sometimes with embarrassing facial
expressions that went with my relief.
As I left puberty and teenage
carelessness behind, things got better for a while. Unfortunately, it
didn’t last. When I finally met the love of my life, my ex-wife Cindy, I
was so happy! But things fell apart quickly as I would continue to do it
in the quiet of the night, every single night, without fail. There were
times where I didn’t even notice I was doing it! It was that common.
Sometimes I even tried to rationalize that it was a normal life
function, but I knew better. The worst part was that my late-night
activity would awaken my wife. Needless to say, she grew tired of it. I
denied it for a very long time, but she knew better. She was awakened
far too often, irritated beyond words. I couldn’t help it, or so I
thought.
It turns out, however, that with God’s
help, I have learned to control myself with increasing skill and
effectiveness. I know we are all sinful from birth, and that God
forgives us, but I have prayed and prayed for the power to commit sin
less often. Unfortunately, I also know that our sin is the sin of Adam
and Eve, original sin, and that no matter how hard we try, there is no
way that we can live perfectly, purely. Saint Augustine pointed out that
we accidentally hurt others, we kill animals to eat and live; we consume
natural resources to stay warm. We are sinful by our very breath, and
for this I carry constant guilt.
Back to my story, and to the hope that I
have to offer my fellow addicts. Through prayer, and the sheer power of
the Holy Spirit, I have made great strides in fighting the fight, and
quelling my addition. I am not cured, nor will I ever be completely
cured, but there is hope.
As of this writing, I can now refrain
from breathing for over two minutes. Halleluiah! Praise God! The sinful
breath of life, the pneuma through which we live and propagate our
unworthy human existence—founded upon sin—may continue to be a demon I
have to fight, but it no longer owns me, thanks to God’s help.
And believe me, if I can do it, so can
you. Indeed I have found new life, and I’m happy to report that I have
remarried a wonderful woman of faith. Unlike before, when my breathy
snoring awakens her, I have the joy of knowing that through her love she
understands my illness, accepts me as I am, and forgives me for my
sinful nature. But she works with me to make me a better person. I am
blessed that during the day, sometimes she even holds the timer for me
as I undergo my daily attempts at greater breatlessness, and holiness.
I admit it, I am a breathaholic. I do it, and I
can’t stop, but with God’s help I am overcoming my addition, and you can
too. Visit
www.truthdriventhinking.com/Imabreathaholic.htm
to learn how.
Stephen L. Gibson
(April 1, 2007)
PS - This was
a bit edgy for me :-), but I hope you'll cut me some slack--given the
date and all. No offense intended. |
